The Risk of Love: Beyond Betrayal
To love is to risk.
When we pour out love to someone, we risk not being loved in return. In other words, when we love unconditionally, (which is the only real love), we risk rejection. Someone has said, “It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” I agree, yet the pain of unrequited love makes me wonder sometimes about the truth of that saying.
There is a victory that only comes with vulnerability. When betrayal happens to someone, it never comes at the hand of an enemy. Betrayal, by it’s very definition, must be from a friend, a spouse, a spiritual leader, a co-worker, a child, someone that is close to the one betrayed. That is why few things in life are as painful as betrayal.
When betrayal occurs, the tendency of the one betrayed is to start building a wall of protection around the heart. If a pastor hurts a congregant, whether intentionally, (or more often,) unintentionally, the person offended is less trusting than he or she was before the hurt. If another offense comes, the wall of protection (mistrust) grows higher.
In my life, I have built a protective wall around my heart without even realizing it. I was hurt by someone and did not like the pain I felt. Pain hurts!! I went years in a kind of spiritual numbness. I loved God and somehow believed He loved me, but I was basically going through the motions of life, and didn’t know why I felt numb and vaguely (and sometimes acutely) dissatisfied with life.Â
One day my wife Rita and I were driving home from a conference when I saw a flock of birds flying south for the winter. The beauty of the sky and the sight of the orderly yet uninhibited birds left me breathless with gratitude at being able to see such a sight.
In that simple moment I heard the Lord speak to me, not audibly, much louder!
He said, “David, I have let you see, really see this sight to show you something. In your desire to protect yourself from pain, you have protected yourself from Me, from really living, really loving. in order to appreciate the sunrise, you must go through the long dark night. Don’t be afraid, I am with you even there.”
I got it! Love broke through with an answer to my discontent. Thriving is much better than surviving, even though sometimes surviving is the best we can do. The night will end. The sunrise turns the black to gray, then to a faint blue, then to pink-tinged, and finally the orange and crimson and blue and green of a new day.Â
So, like George Bailey at the end of the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life”, I said to the Lord: “I want to live again!” Somehow I sensed that He would give me grace to forgive, even forgive myself- and to begin to trust again.
If I never knew sorrow, I could never be comforted- I wouldn’t know healing if I never felt pain. Slowly but surely, like a bitter cold Winter entering into the protracted birthpangs of a radiant Spring, I begin to give myself permission to feel again, to trust again, and yes, to be hurt again… somehow knowing that no matter what, I was “accepted in the Beloved” with the grace to take the risk of Love.
“THO YOU SLAY ME”Â
I have been buliding a fortress for my flesh
Tried to make it strong so I wouldn’t be invaded
Life that once flowed through me so freely and so fresh
Is stagnant now and fervent love has faded
In this prison of protection and pride
I’m so lonely I’m the only one inside
How could I be so foolish after all You’ve been to me
Help me cast aside these chains of my self-sufficiency
Give me back the trusting heart that sets me free
Tho’ You slay me, Tho’ You lay me in the dust
Tho’ You slay me, still in You Lord I’ll trust
Tho’ no fruit be on the vine or ox in the stall
I’ll never regret giving you my all
Just like Isaac did to Abraham I’ll trust
Tho You slay me
(David Baroni: from the CD “Holy Desperation”)
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May 27th, 2006 at 10:26 pm
David, I am wondering what discontent and disatisfaction have to do with building a wall of protection around a heart that’s been hurt. Thank you for any more you can share on that.
May 28th, 2006 at 1:31 pm
Thank you Susan, I will try.
One can be discontent and dis-satisfied without it necessarily being a reaction to trying to protect one’s heart from further hurt. Gratitude can help with that condition.
Having said that, the word says to “Keep (guard) your heart with all diligence for from it flows the issues of life.” That is not the same thing as what I wrote about- indeed, the proverb is talking about keeping an open heart, keeping it unclogged from bitterness and fear so that life can flow.
What I wrote about was the opposite… I had closed my heart so nothing bad could get in, but nothing cold get out either. That led to numbness and dis-satisfaction. Hope this helps.
November 5th, 2006 at 9:50 am
I have been betrayed terribly by one that God brought across my path at the first of this year & I was told by Him to love this person/man unconditionally & I have & have been put to the test for sure. It is supernatural love at it’s best for me - it astounds me what God has put in my heart for this person/man. It seems I can’t not love him as God told me to - yes, I have been hurt/wounded/angry - but have not reviled back, perhaps in my mind but it goes away - seems there is promise in this betrayal for the Lord has established this in my heart. I have always asked the Lord to keep me vulverable to love at all times inspite of the betrayal/hurt/woundedness & He is faithful to such. I have lost one job over laying down my life for another that God brought across my path & I may lose this one - but to be obedient to Him is what it is all about. Risking for love is always messy - never clean & the “world” does not ever understand - but He does & the rewards are great in Him - some in this now place & others for eternity which I expectantly wait for also.
David, thank you for reminding me once again that it is all worth the risk - even the betrayal of love.
Ms. Jan Carver
O, do not pray for easy lives;
pray to be stronger men!
Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers;
pray for powers equal to your tasks.
Then the doing of your work shall be no miracle,
but
you shall be a miracle.
November 6th, 2006 at 10:56 pm
I know the know the risk of love and going beyond Betrayal. I truely been there and I’m trying to get pass it but my spouse who Betrayed me thinks he was justified in his act of Betrayal. We both Betrayed each other I can forgive he can’t. What do you do now I ask?
November 7th, 2006 at 1:44 pm
Dear Joyce,
I am sorry that you are hurting. I wish I had an easy answer for you, I will say that sometimes godly counseling can give you (or you and your spouse) a perspective that you may not be able to see in your current pain.
It also helps to pour out your feelings to the Lord- He is not threatened by our emotions, our disappointment or even anger. Ultimately, you are only responsible for yourself, and can’t control the actions or reactions of your spouse. I pray that you will be comforted by the Peace of God and that Your Father God will show Himself to be very near to you in this time.
December 1st, 2006 at 11:12 am
Thanks for reminding me that its worth it all!
Congregants hurt pastors too badly but to keep the heart open and love like Christ is worth the pain.
I thank God for visionary advancement articles from which I’ve received tremendous blessings.
January 13th, 2008 at 2:06 am
well David tnx God for youve seen the light and made good realization that God is indeed an awsome,omnipotent,omnipresent and omnishent God…yes He is good all the times, and he is wise to be mistaken….we should be grateful that we can have hope inspite of problems and trials we may encounter.Everything that God allows to come our way is with a purpose.He uses even the greatest error and the deepest hurt to mold us into a person of worth and value.God bless you and continue writing for Gods glory and purpose….